I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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