Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
