I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She told me I should be a condom model.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
