I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
