you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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