to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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