if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I am midnight drunk by noon
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
