Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
