he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
