i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
