I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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