I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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