i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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