Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
