May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
