A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
