Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pants are for mortals
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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