There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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