i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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