I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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