who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
