My liver just broke up with me...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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