i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
