life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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