You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
