someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
