I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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