i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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