My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
