I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
