Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
