After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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