I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We are all done wearing pants today
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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