i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
