life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
