I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
