Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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