I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
