Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
