Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
