Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize
