Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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