Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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