If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
