I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
