Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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