halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
God I need to hump something, right now.
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