barbara walters just said penis...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
