So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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