It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
