the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
